Dream Baby (Adoption Related Post)

A little more than 5 years ago (ok, more than a little), I was pregnant with my first child. And I was single. I was about 15 weeks pregnant and was exploring my options within adoption. I had learned that I could have an open adoption and that my relationship with my child wouldn't end tragically with me in the hospital, weeping and tearing my hair out, never to see my baby again. I had learned that I could choose the people who would raise my baby. 

I made a list. This was a very detailed list of attributes I wished the parents of my baby to have. I didn't have anything in common with these two (supposably imaginary, as I never thought I could find people with everything I wanted) people, other than I knew I wanted to be like them "when I grew up." Here is a VERY SMALL sample of my requirements:

Her:

Stay at home mom

Likes to craft

Makes her own baby food

Plays with her kids

Strong testimony of the Gospel 

Loves music

Teaches her children of Christ

Supports her husband as father to her children

--I had a LOT more requirements for the mother of this family than the father. Like two handwritten pages full of them. My reasoning was, that if I could find a woman who fit my list, she wouldn't choose a dud of a husband, so to speak. She would be smart enough to find a partner who matched her. 

Him:

Returned missionary

Stable job

His kids are sad to see him go to work and thrilled to have him come home

Supports his wife as mother to his children

Strong testimony of the Gospel

Priesthood holder

Plays with his children

I chose these things because that what I imagined myself and my future husband would be like when we had children. If I couldn't give my child all these things myself right then, then I was going to find people who would.

I spent weeks looking online and bawling as I imagined placing my baby. I knew through personal revelation that the family I was looking for had already adopted. Also, I knew I wanted an open relationship and (selfishly) didn't want to be the guinea pig in an open adoption, so I was specifically looking for a family that had already adopted and had an open relationship with their first child's birth parents.

After receiving some help from my angel counselor, I thought I found a family. A few things stood out to me. One, I didn't bawl my eyes out reading their profile. In fact, I laughed. Two, I felt like I was reading what a future me and future husband would have written. 

I started emailing them back and forth to get to know them better.  I didn't even tell them I was pregnant, however, I was emailing them through LDS Family Services, so I guess they knew. 

I liked this couple, but I wasn't convinced yet.

Up to this point, I was convinced I was having a boy. I had been having dreams of me holding a baby boy, so I was convinced I was pregnant with a boy. Around week 20, I had an ultrasound. When I was told I was having a girl, I was shocked. I KNEW I was having a boy! I had them triple check, and after multiple scans to make sure, I was convinced to the reality of being pregnant with a girl. 

Baby Girl. She never left that upside-down position.

That night I had two very vivid dreams. In one, I saw Evige (the woman of the family I was communicating with) holding a baby girl. In the other, I saw myself holding that same baby boy I had been dreaming about my whole pregnancy, with a shadow of a man behind me. These dreams told me 1) Evige is this little girl's mother, and 2) I was to have a baby boy sometime in the future with my future husband. 

Evige and Sara, with Jorgen and Matt in the background.
 This is the day Sara was sealed to her family.

This dream, combined with a few other very large signs from our Heavenly Father, convinced me to the reality that my baby girl was intended to be raised by Matt and Evige. 

Why am I writing about this now? 

Because I am pregnant with my dream baby boy. And I have a husband who exceeds my list of requirements, as I try to live up to my own list. 

I love this man with all my heart and soul.
I am so lucky to call him my husband.

I thank Heavenly Father every day for giving me that bit of hope in the darkest and saddest part of my life. I knew that I would have a baby boy. And that I was to be his mother. I am so blessed to have a husband who loves me for who I am and supports me. I am so blessed to be pregnant with my promised baby boy. I have hoped and wished for my growing little family for years and years. And I am overwhelmed by joy. 

My Dream Baby.
I can't wait to hold Clark in my arms, as he has been
in my heart for years.