I recently complained on Facebook about having to under go a common medical test concerning my pregnancy. One of my friends who is currently pregnant with her miracle baby after struggling with infertility for years called me out on it. And rightly so. I should be grateful that I had no trouble getting pregnant or staying pregnant. However, I felt like I had a right to complain and didn't know why I felt this way. P.S. Thank you Friend, for the virtual kick in the pants. Because I have felt pain at other's complaining, I needed the reminder that I could be more compassionate and aware. Hopefully, my online complaining has decreased.
I know that there are probably friends of mine who are struggling with infertility right now, but quietly and privately. Or are longing for children but for one reason or another, it is not time yet. To see a post about me complaining about being pregnant I'm sure is a stab to their emotions and it may feel like I am adding to their pain. I am so sorry for your pain. I know a bit of how that feels. I know this because I experienced a bit of this jealousy and pain myself after I placed Sara.
Note: I do not pretend to know the pain of waiting for a child and being unable to have one. I know that my pain after placement is not necessarily greater or less than the pain of infertility - It's just different.
After Sara was born, I went through major jealousy issues. I unfriended anyone on Facebook that had a child under two years old. I couldn't handle seeing their happiness. It made me too sad to see it. I couldn't handle hearing the complaints of how so-and-so's daughter was throwing tantrums all day and all I could think was, "I would give ANYTHING to deal with a tantrum all day if it meant I could be Sara's momma!". I realize now that my pain should not get in the way of other's happiness. The fact that I was in pain should not change how anyone was living their lives. I should not have expected everyone to put their lives, their happiness (or frustration at their kids), on hold while I healed.
So this is why I think I have upped my my complaining game:
I didn't feel like I deserved to complain while pregnant with Sara.
I said this out loud to Dan the other day and it came out weird, but I will say it again as I cannot come up with a better way to explain it.
I didn't feel like I deserved to because I had basically gotten myself into that situation. (I know, I know. Just hold on. I will explain.)
Being pregnant and single, I felt like I didn't deserve to complain about the pregnancy because it was my fault for being there. It was my fault I didn't wait until marriage. It was my fault I was having to choose a family other than myself to be my child's family. I felt like if I complained, then I was accepting that being pregnant and single was a good thing for myself and for my child. So I buckled down and accepted what was coming at me. Because I deserved it. (In my mind)
Fast forward to being in a very happy marriage, where my husband and I were both ready for a child and are excited to bring a baby into our hearts and home. I feel safe. I feel happier than I've ever been. And honestly, this hasn't been a hard pregnancy.
But I'm complaining.
BECAUSE I feel safe. BECAUSE I am happy. BECAUSE I feel like I finally deserve to feel like I CAN complain. And honestly, I think the complaining is doubled from what it would normally be. Like I'm making up for lost time.
So when you hear me complain about my hips for the thousandth time, just remember it's because I feel like I finally can.
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